Hi and goodbye
Yesterday I thought twice. My opptions were a bottle of gin and training. I remeber last year when I escaped my problems by training and I had a lot of muscles and like a six pack and everything. It got a bit obsessive towards the end when I coulden't sit still for a minute. I choose training yesterday and I'm glad I did. I have a lot of things I have to deal whit right now and I'll probably do it better if I'm not hungover and tired. And also, if it is so that I will seriously start boxing I will need to stop with my bad habits.. hmmm. Nevertheless tonight I may do a small exeption and get a little (a lot) apshit.
G's up Hoes down!
Irland was great but to much peace and quiet makes me think to much and now I feel pretty suicidal. The only thing that could make me feel better is behind bars and I feel alone and unsatisfied. I need him badly. I think this will be the weekend when I drink my problems away. "Farbror" has asked me not to as it make the """"healing process""" harder and longer. I don't really feel like putting together all the parts of my body, I gladly leave my brain and heart behind. So much for gaining a couple of pounds and sleeping 9 hours every night. Sex drugs and rock n roll, here I come... again!
It's dancing time
Okey so the weekend was great. I needed this badly. The Swahili Bob party was like the tip of the iceberg. In the sub I meet a couple of hard ass fans that offered me beer and told me that Poison Ideas acutually was a great rolemodel for Turbonegro and that they actually are pretty huge. Something I didn't understand when I asked Rob (plays the bass) if the actually earned money on his music. When we got there the line was huge but as we were on the guestlist we just smothly walked to the front and said our names. Whit vodka, wine and gin we got apshit. Feelt dizzy and flouting and I thanked the sweet lord for liqoure. Meet Rob and talked with him, thanked him a hundred times for putting us on the list. We keept on crouzzing and collecting beer and I started to feel that I was going from apshit to fucking mental. The band started and we danced, collected more beer, danced and smoked. Got home in a great state and went to work the next day. Saturday was a running day. Whit my legs in the back I ran from evil brats with puke on their back. Got home 4:30 but earned an hour of sleep. And now my body is sore from boxing and after 2 practices they asked me if I had plans on competing. I said I don't plan but that it sounds fun. In my head I just saw my bony body disappearing under a sea of muscles.
Today is not
Livet har sin konstiga lilla gång. Jag snubblade in hos farbror. Han totalt misshandlade mig. Jag kom ut gråtfärdig, ville bara sova, slippa tänka. Fick se min närvarorapport och fick ännu större lust att sova. Min mentor sa "shape up" jag sa "fuck this". Gick ut och filmade för att slippa allt, drog i slussen "PEOPLE IN EVERY DIRECTION" ur tre olika vinklar, tunnlar, tags, stecil jobb. En tjock amerikansk punkare frågade vägen till Swahili Bob's så jag och min vapendragare följde honom dit och på vägen fick vi reda på att han var här på besök för en spelning med hans punkband. Spelningen och fest var slutsåld men som tack satte han upp oss på gästlistan. Så imorgon blir det att bli bäng och kväva all ångest.
MUSE
1&2_Freja Beha
Hej då illusionen
When not even words seem to help,
Or hold on to whatever is left
I don't know where to turn.
I can only resist,
Resist whatever helps me to stay alive.
Missade ett möte och har inte lyckats klara mig själv. Det känns patetiskt. Farbror ringde idag. Tid imorgon. Han är alltid så lugn när han ringer och jag säger alltid det som känns så rätt.
- Hej Matilda det är ****, ringer jag olämpligt.
- Dina samtal räddar mig så de kommer aldrig att vara olämpliga.
Shes a fox
DW by Terry Richardson
Ey
I haven't been able to write for three (main) reasons:
1. Been drunk
2. Been tierd
3. Felt like crap
This weekend has been rocknroll in every aspect. My days ended 6 in the morning and started again at 14. I've hit my head so it started to blead, good extremly high on koffein and consumed a grat amount of alcohol. I haven't sleept more than a couple of houres due to a boy in my bed to beautiful to stop looking at and to nice to stop touching. It was great while it lasted but now, first day of school, I faceplanted in reality. I've hit my head so hard on the brick wall of academia that i fainted. Skiped my last lesson, and got home. Bed. Sleep. Now. Wierd dreams and when I woke up I had the illusion that I had never slept. Now the remedy is coffee and food, my body just needs a day of peace and then I can start manipulating it again.
For a friend.
What keeps you alive?
Coffee is a must for my everyday life to function. I have forces myself to a limit of two cups, but God how I enjoy my two cups. Then it's music and writting, I'm in love with words and the ability they have to calm me down.
What do you dislike?
Laws and authorities. I do what I can too keep myself out of this system by making different choices in life. I hate "musts" and "have too" I rather live my life doing what I enjoy rather than what I must.
Where are you in 5 years?
My boyfriend and I have discussed the future a lot. I don't really believe in it. There is only the word future but it is not something that exists. Or rather it is not defined. The only thing that exists is the present and all your hopes and dreams for what is to come.
Are you a positive person?
I think the people that meet me would describe me as very positive, but I'm a rather dark person. I have a terrible relationship to myself and my body and I have a constant struggle with my inner demons. However the good things in life I enjoy to the fullest and I never take them for granted. And I have a way of enjoying and seeing even the smallest things in life.
You are a badass rebell and a great inspiration to us and we wanna know what you are gonna do next?
Wow, thanks! Right now I'm struggeling to graduate school, I only have a year left. Then of course I wanna keep on playing music and writing, working as a activist and doing fucked up stuff. Every day is a new day, every hour is a new hour and every minute is a new minute that offers the possibility to do exactly what ever you want. Carpe diem for fucks sake!
Some questions I answered a time ago for some friends, I translated it to english (haha and I suck at it)
Honey
You cross every limit
You cross every line
Not even the Atlantic Ocean,
can hold you down.
Vad är det...
Jag vill att tankarna i huvudet ska dö. Jag vill äta ihjäl dem men varje gång jag gör det kontrar dem med en extrem ångest. Jag vill slitas sönder, bara försvinna, bort. Jag är rädd för att han ska dra. Dra långt härifrån och lämna mig kvar i den här skiten. Jag är rädd för mig själv. Kanske är det min största fruktan. Att jag vet att jag måste hålla "det" under sådan jävla kontroll. Jag hatar min kärlek och längtan efter allt det som kan skada mig
och som kommer att göra det. Lås in mig trots att jag vet att det kommer döda mig.
Last night stands
Jag har en tendens att alltid underskatta alkohol. Alltid underskatta hur stora intag under kort tid i kombination med andra droger helt slår ut allt som tidigare var rationellt tänkande. Jag fumlade, dansade till serbisk musik och fick (och har fortfarande) hela överkroppen täckt med könsord/svordomar/natzikors etc. Jag lyckades landa på en inflyttningsfest högst uppe på elfte våningen med en makalös utsikt över en trist förort. Jag lyckades komma över rediga mängder alkohol och blev alltid bjuden på något trevligt på balkongen. Jag fick en massa lappar:
1. "Åh vill knulla din våta mutta"
2. "Slicka MIG!"
3. "Le mot världen så ler världen mot dig"
4. "Från chilenaren med svenska namn: 073-*******"
Jag däckade vid 02:00, vaknade igen vid 05:00. Skrev en kärlekslåt till min vän så han blev rörd. Somnade igen vid 06:30 med T på en bäddsoffa. Vaknade vid 10:00. Gick hem vid 14:00.
Betty Page
Jag gillar (delvis inte) dagar som denna
Från bank till apotek, till ungdomsmottagning, till Erik, till blodtryck, till puls, till blodprov, till blodprov, till blodprov, till blodprov, till hemmet, till städning, till 44:an. Mot kärleken. Bort från verkligheten.
Fuck is my favorite word
Spent the night in the appartment of one of Swedens coolest graffitti artists. Was up til five in the morning watching his latest movie clips of me and some friends doing fucked up shit. It was very fun, we feel the need of comming up with a crew name but we haven't found a adequat name yet. What I really loved with his appertement was the two lifes that sort of coexisted there. A mix of baby stuff, spraycand, stencils and blankets. He filmed us during some night actions in the city, the crew on mission! Unfortunatlly for him he missed when my two very drunk friends tried to fuck inside a giant watermelon (it was in a childrens park), sober as I was I felt mixed feelings, should I laugh or just realize the fact that it was really fucked up. I woke up at 12, eat lunch for breakfast and realized that I had missed the appointment with "farbror" and had to go to work. Fell asleep when I got home and woke up 15 minutes before I had to leave. Fuck....
1&2_ Ryan Mcginey
Matsal
- Det kanske är din uppgift att förändra världen då tjejen.
- Haha många tror det man faktum är att jag tvivlar på min förmåga att ens kunna rädda mig själv.
(Du va typ sjukt jävla underbar att prata med trots att vi aldrig pratat förut)
sunday's are filled
Saw my two friends fuck. Saw my tree friends fuck. Saw a friend wave his cock to an old man and scream: LOOK AT ME I'M MASTURBATING! Saw a friend write "cock" with his cock on a car. Rubbed a friends back while he threw up. Stoped my friend from getting in a fight. Watch another friend have a random guitarr show for some bums. Kissed my male muse. Kissed my female muse.
And they say sunday's are for rest...
1_ Dash Snow
friheten
- Det blir en till tid om 6 veckor och sedan kommer jag även boka en tid med --- nästa vecka för att kolla näringsvärden och göra blodprov.
- Mm..
- Nu måste du ta av dig skorna och ställa dig på vågen.
- Bara jag slipper se siffrorna.
- Absolut Matilda.
